Numbness
by slythadri
Summary: EWE. After the war, they feel numb. Maybe the way back to normalcy is through the craziness. Dramione one-shot.


September: Numbness

It was September first, 1998, and Draco Malfoy was making a monumental effort to pay attention through the prefects meeting on the Hogwarts Express. He had been the first person to arrive at the prefects' carriage and had not paid much attention to who else was coming in. Some seventh-years were Head Boy and Head Girl. As for the so-called eight-years, he was the male prefect and Granger was the female one, as not enough of them came back to choose one per house. He did not kid himself about the truth behind his eight-year prefect badge: it was a tracking device. It may even have an actual trace on it. It was a means to keep him under the eye of the Headmistress and other prefects. Like he cared. He really didn't care. Because he cared for nothing anymore. Really cared for nothing. It was not an "I don't care" tantrum. It was really that he has no feelings at all. Maybe this is what been made of stone feels like. Nothing. Feels like nothing. When the meeting was adjourned Draco stayed in the carriage, didn't even move from his seat. He just closed his eyes. To sleep or something, to let time pass. He had considered apparating to Hogsmeade and then walking to the castle, but he was on parole, under surveillance, so he was obligated to take the excruciatingly long ride in the train.

After an undetermined amount of time, he opened his eyes and realized there was someone else in the carriage. Granger. Sitting on the chair across from him. Staring outside the window. Absolute emptiness in her eyes. Maybe she was ordered to watch him closely. But if that was it, she was doing a shit job. She didn't look his way, not even instinctively when he shifted in his seat, not even when he tried something and halfway pulled his wand out of his robes. No reaction. Nothing. He pushed the wand again inside his robes and stared in her direction. Not at her. Just in her direction. When the trolley witch stopped by neither of them reacted. The older woman must have felt sorry for them because in an unusual move she walked into the carriage and put a snack on each of their laps. A mince pie for him. A cauldron cake for her. Each one looked up and nodded in silence. The only emotion in the carriage was on the trolley witch's face: her eyes pooled with tears. Draco thought the two of them probably looked like empty shells. E-m-p-t-y. S-h-e-l-l-s. E-m-p-t-y. S-h-e-l-l-s. Draco spelled the words in his head over and over again. Eventually, they made it to the Hogsmeade station.

October: Anger

"Watch what you are doing, Malfoy," Hermione snapped. They were working on the reconstruction of the Herbology greenhouses, so lots of plants, debris and dirt were being levitated and moved around. Draco had just floated some unpotted plants above her and a smidge of soil from the roots had spilled over her head.

"I'm sorry, your majesty," he answered, not feeling sorry at all, as they were all already quite dirty. Then he realized he was angry. He felt anger. He felt it. He was not numb, he was not dead inside, he was not mummified. He was angry. He turned to move some more plants and said "watch out, princess," before levitating them over Hermione.

She grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it straight at him, but he saw her move and cast a silent _protego_ before the dirt could touch him. In an irrational reaction, she took two more fistfuls and threw them again, the soil simply bouncing against the invisible shield. He smirked and turned his back on her to keep working. She grabbed a mud pile and threw it, hitting him right on the back of his head. He turned around, furious, but at that moment Neville Longbottom had intervened and was restraining Hermione, while professor Sprout yelled

"Miss Granger! Mr. Malfoy! Detention!"

After class, Draco went back to his dorm to shower and while furiously lathering his hair realized that this ridiculous, infuriating interaction with Granger had been the first sense of connection to another human being he had felt in months. It was not pleasant at all, but it was something. And something was better than nothing. That night and every night for two weeks they had to find Filch and perform menial labor around the castle without magic. Detention was supposed to be only one week but then every night they found themselves fighting again, throwing rags at each other, yelling, and yet neither of them threw any spells or did anything really dangerous. In a way, they both saw this as a strange catharsis. A place to vent their old resentments, an outlet for their numbness turned to anger. So the punishment got extended, and they both secretly revel in it, because feeling something is better than feeling nothing. And there was a line, and they did not cross it. The line between snarkiness and insults, between mischief and malevolence, between harshness and violence. The last night of detention they went to return the cleaning supplies to Filch's office

"That should be enough for tonight. Now go back to your dormitories," growled the old custodian.

The two students walked quickly out of the crummy place, down a corridor and Hermione felt like she was not done with this. Dissatisfied, an irrational need to push even more this ridiculous situation crept on her. She cast a _muffliato_ before yelling.

"This is all your fault, Malfoy!"

He turned around, eyes blazing

"Really? Tell me, Granger, how is your savage behavior my fault?"

"Because no one else makes me lose my shit the way you do!"

He stepped closer, towering over and speaking menacingly between his teeth

"Right back at you, princess."

"Do not call me princess, you arsehole!" she pushed with her hands on his chest but his frame was so much bigger now that he felt it but held his ground with ease and smirked.

"Whatever you say, _princess_," he snarled, leaning his face closer. He felt the first slap on his cheek and quickly catch both her wrists before the second one could hit him. She made a screeching sound while trying to break free and he pulled her closer and mocked

"What are you gonna do, kitten? Bite me?"

In a moment of complete madness, she pulled on her wrists to get him against her and opened her mouth, baring her teeth against his jaw, nipping at the skin, stopping herself right before she could really draw blood. He felt some pain, a hint of fear and an insane desire to challenge her even more.

"Is that all you got, kitten?" he breathed

In this absurd moment, he relished in the fear of what could happen next, waiting for a sharp pain but hoping for something else. She slowly loosened her jaw, letting the skin slip, turning the bite into a deliberate suckling motion. He moved his face, catching her lower lip between his teeth and letting it slide slowly. She pushed again with her body and he hit a door behind him and quickly opened it, moving both of them into an empty classroom. He pulled the wrists he was still holding until her body was against him and asked in a low growl

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because it makes me feel alive," she responded, nipping softly at his face again.

He covered her mouth with his and the kiss was violent and needy, each of them wrestling for dominance, both encouraged by the moans that escaped the other's throat. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he lifted and carried her onto a desk, settling between her legs and grabbing her arse to grind her against his hardness while she undid his tie and the buttons of his shirt. Then she undid her own tie but didn't have time to work on her buttons because he ripped them open and pulled down the cups of her bra. She leaned back on the desk and surrendered to the feeling of a warm mouth licking, suckling, kissing, of hands caressing, grabbing, exploring, of extreme arousal when he tore off the delicate lace of her knickers, then the feeling of loss when he let go just long enough to undo his trousers and boxers and to cast a silencing charm right on time before their moans turned into screams of pleasure when he rammed himself on her wet core and pounded until her walls clenched around him, making him pulse so hard he blacked out for a second. When he came to be, she was running her fingers through his hair and he felt like his whole self was dissolving into her. After a few minutes, she made a grunting pain sound and he realized that he was crushing her against a wooden desk. He stood and helped her up and they put themselves together quickly, as it was almost curfew. They walked outside the classroom and the chill of the night hit them, so he wrapped his scarf around her shoulders. She gave a brief smile but refused to look at him as they walk. When they got to the main stairs he offered

"I'll walk you to the tower."

"No, you won't make it back to the dungeons on time. Good night, Malfoy," she said without looking at him and walked away before he could do anything else. He watched her go and felt a void in his chest. Only this time was different because this void could be filled. It could be filled if he could convince the girl that he had bullied for years to give him a shot. Shit. Karma was a bitch.

November: Bargaining.

The next few weeks were chaotic, to say the least. Hermione's behavior was erratic, just as her thoughts. Some days she seemed to act normal but would go out of her way to avoid Draco. Other days she would find any excuse to be close to him in class but pick fights over the silliest of things. And at least twice a week she would straight forward pull him into a broom closet and fall on her knees to pleasure him and then walk away, or send him a note to meet her in the room of requirement and spend the night allowing him to make love to her in the most romantic and heartfelt ways, then disappear for two days straight, even if it meant missing school. And when that happened he would wander around the castle, skipping class and hoping to find her, until one of them would be caught by Filch or one of the professors. And that is how they ended up at the headmistress office.

"Mandatory mind healing sessions," said the Headmistress

"Excuse me?" the two students barked at the same time, then glared at each other, as if to chastise the other for daring to answer at the same time.

"I will not permit two brilliant students to ruin their academic careers by behaving like this. What we all went through was horrific. We all have our scars to carry. And we all need help. The professors went through mandatory sessions because we are responsible for the children in this school. The students have been offered voluntary sessions and many have taken the offer and made the best of it. You two, however, seem to need it more than anyone else and yet have made no effort to seek help. So I will do what is best for the Hogwarts community. Report yourselves to the hospital wing in the morning. Dismissed."

The next morning, in another unusual act, Hermione was late, so Draco went in for his session first. The mind healer was a nice, warm witch, and he spilled it all out. And it felt great. Of course, he withheld the details of their intimacy, but he was now clear in his own mind: Hermione Granger brought him back to life, albeit in an odd and probably unhealthy way. But that could be fixed, the odd and unhealthy parts. When he walked out of the room and she was there waiting he tried to smile at her but she avoided his gaze and quickly walked in and closed the door behind her.

Draco distracted himself with school work until the evening, trying to give Hermione some space to reflect, then saw her in a lonely table at the library and made a beeline for her. He took a seat next to her and spoke in a soft voice

"How was your session today?"

She shook her head and refused to look at him

"Humiliating. That's how it was. Sitting there, knowing that she knew that I had sex with you."

"How would she know that?" he asked, perplexed.

Hermione snorted

"Because your session happened before mine, you twat. How else would she know."

Draco went red in the face

"I didn't mention the sex. At all. I may be a twat but at least I am a twat that respects your privacy, you bint."

Hermione turned to him, cheeks burning.

"But she seemed to know...things."

"You mean she seemed to know that there is something big going on here?" he said gesturing between the two of them. "Well, that is because even the giant squid could see it."

She made a little squeaky sound with her throat and quickly picked her books before running away again.

Next session when Hermione walked into the healer's room Draco was sitting there. She cautiously took a seat on the other side of the couch, gaze down. The mind healer spoke

"This is a safe space. Whatever is said here will stay here. But is important to start solving the conflict between you two in a healthy way. Draco, why don't you tell us what you feel?"

The blonde took a deep breath

"I am sorry. For everything. For everything that happened before this year and for all the pitiful fights we've had in the last few months. They were not related to the past. I did it because you made me... feel. Feel something. Anger. Discomfort. Desire." She blushed at the words and refused to look his way even when he put his hand on hers. "You made me feel again, and now I know I'm not dead inside."

Silence fell over the room. After a few beats, the healer asked

"What about you, Hermione? Do you have anything to say? What do you feel?"

More silence. Then she said only one word

"Fear."

And she walked out of the room without waiting to be dismissed, ran to her dorm, locked herself in, then curled on the bed. She still had his scarf, and it was now held tight to her chest, the scent of his cologne filling her nostrils. Hermione wouldn't say it out loud but at least she could admit it to herself: her fear was that Draco will never be serious about a muggle born. And she was falling in love with him. What if this crazy situation was just a fluke and after graduating Hogwarts he would just go on and live his aristocratic life, whatever that implied? He talked a lot about his mother. He would do anything for her. What if he always followed his mother's advice? Sure as hell a girl that joined the magical world only a few years ago and was still finding her way was not what Narcissa Malfoy would want for her son. Even without blood prejudice, why would she accept a muggle born witch when she could choose someone already trained in her ways, like Pansy Parkinson, or someone perfectly poised, like the Greengrass sisters? Even more, why would she accept the girl that helped put her husband in Azkaban? Hermione felt hopeless.

December: Sadness

Neville walked out of the common room to a perplexing sight: Malfoy, quite disheveled, sitting on the floor outside the portrait hole, obviously drunk. The Gryffindor boy sighed and without a word walked back in. He had just seen Hermione sitting alone by the fire, pretending to read but obviously ruminating.

"Hermione, you need to come out to the hallway."

"Why?" she asked without lifting her sight from the book she was staring at.

"Because Malfoy is out there."

"Not my problem," she said, trying to sound nonchalant, although her pulse had jumpstarted and she could feel a knot forming in her stomach.

Neville rolled his eyes, cast a silent _petrificus totalus _on her, then scooped her in his arms and carried her out of the common room, depositing her on Malfoy's lap.

"Here. Figure your shit out. Both of you. _Finite incantatem."_ Then he simply walked away.

When the incantation lifted Hermione immediately tried to scramble up but Draco held her firmly.

"Please. Just stay here. Please"

"We are in the middle of a hallway, Malfoy."

"I don't care. Just stay here. We'll cast a disillusionment charm. Please. I need this. I need you." She stopped struggling and cast the spell. When her posture relaxed he cupped her head to lean her close to his face, burying it in her curls. He breathed the scent of her shampoo and kissed her temple. She felt her eyes prickle with tears but said nothing, so he spoke.

"Remember the beginning of the year? We felt nothing. The world was just a big void, swallowing everything. I had spent two years feeling nothing but fear, fear of dying, fear of being tortured, fear of watching my mother being tortured, fear of losing her. Then came the trials and it was still fear, fear of a cell in Azkaban, fear of being unredeemable and unforgivable. And then that was over too, and I was back on the train, a student again, and I felt nothing. The terror lifted and it left a void that seemed impossible to fill. The emptiness was so intense that I almost missed the fear. And then I saw you. And you had that same empty look in your eyes. And I knew I was not alone. Maybe we let ourselves get tangled in this crazy mess because it made us feel something. And now I'm back to feel fear. But this one is different. This is the fear of losing what I have found. My fear is to lose you."

One heartbeat. Two heartbeats. Three heartbeats. She turned her face to his

"The train leaves tomorrow. Go home. Be with your mother. She needs you," then pillowed her lips on his. They kiss softly and she agreed to spend the night with him in the room of requirement, but when he woke up Hermione was gone. He had to run to catch the train and it was a long, sad ride because she was not in it.

Yule season: Awakenings.

Hermione sat alone in the Gryffindor common room. Her parents were still in Australia, a team of healers still working on their memories; there was optimism but it would take a few more months to get them to full recovery. She didn't want to go to the Burrow. Her erratic behavior was sure to make everyone freak out. Neville was worried and wrote to her every day. He begged her to just take a leap of fate. To remember that she was Gryffindor through and through. So she decided to confront her fear and find out the truth.

Narcissa Malfoy was sitting at a terrace of the Manor under a warming charm, worried about her son. Since his return he spent the days at the Manor's library, sitting on an armchair that faces a floor to ceiling window, a book forgotten on his lap, gazing aimlessly at the Wiltshire landscape. Before she could blink away the prickle of tears in her eyes an owl landed in front of her. She took the letter it carried.

_Mrs. Malfoy_

_I know this is unexpected, but I would like to ask for permission to visit with you and your son Draco. I understand if this is something you prefer not to happen or if you find it inappropriate. I wish you a good Yule season and hope that Draco is happy to be home._

_Regards_

_Hermione Granger _

Narcissa felt her heart leap. This was the reason for Draco's sadness. He was pining after Hermione Granger. And the girl had just asked to see him. To see both of them. She heard the knut drop. The girl was worried that her feelings would be hurt because of old resentments or prejudices. And yet she was brave enough to confront it all face to face. She was even willing to come into the house where she had once been tortured. That meant she did not blame Draco for it. This girl was exactly what her son needed.

_Dear Miss Granger_

_Please join us for afternoon tea. It'll be a great pleasure for us to have you. And please be assured that the Manor has been completely remodeled and you would not feel any discomfort here. Please arrive via floo at 4 pm. I look forward to seeing you. _

_Narcissa Malfoy_

Being a good Slytherin, Narcissa made sure Draco was presentable but did not warn him of the visitor. She wouldn't allow him to get his wand on a twist unnecessarily. When Hermione got the response she decided to show Narcissa some respect and dress up a little. After all, the witch was opening her house to her without knowing why she wanted to come.

Hermione arrived through the main floo of the Manor at four sharp, wearing a navy wrap dress that was modest but still modeled her beautiful curves, and three-inch heel pumps. Her hair was up in a simple bun. When Narcissa saw her come out of the flames she knew the next Lady Malfoy had arrived. She walked to the young woman and took both of her hands in hers

"Welcome, Miss Granger. I'm so glad you asked to come. Much as it pains me to see my son distraught, it is such a relief to know that it is about a girl, and not anymore about the horrors we all went through in the past few years. He gets to be young again. To live and to love. And so do you. Thank you for giving him a chance. Thank you for giving all of us a chance."

Hermione was speechless. She had fret all day trying to figure out how she was going to tell Narcissa Malfoy that her son was involved with a muggle-born witch, and yet here she was, being received like a precious Yule present that had magically arrived at the Malfoy's door. All she could manage was

"Can I see Draco, please?"

Narcissa smiled and nodded

"He is in the library. He spends his days there, staring out of the window. He needs you. This way, please."

Hermione felt her heart in her throat as they walked to the freshly remodeled corridors. The place looked clean and full of light. When they got to the library Narcissa opened the heavy door and announced.

"Draco darling, you have a visitor."

He didn't move from the armchair, his back to the door.

"I'm not in the mood for socializing, Mother, can you please just say I'm indisposed?"

"Hello, Draco."

At the sound of that voice, he stood up like a coiled spring. Hermione Granger was standing in front of him, at the Manor, next to his mother. He walked the length of the room in a few long strides and pulled her in for a kiss. Hermione wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. Narcissa took that as her cue to leave them alone.

After a couple of minutes, he pulled back slowly

"You came," he whispered.

"I couldn't stay away," she whispered back.

They kissed again and when his hands started to wonder over her curves she chuckled

"Your mother invited me for tea. I think we need to pay her our respects."

He growled in discontent, making her laugh. He lifted her off the floor and twirled her around before putting her back down and saying

"Fine. we'll have tea with my mother. On one condition."

"What is it?"

"That you stay after and help us put up a Yule tree. We hadn't had one in years. It is time to have one again."

She smiled excitedly

"Of course."

Then she checked herself to assure she was presentable, making Draco laugh at this because he had not seen her look so beautifully put together since the Yule ball back in fourth year. Narcissa was waiting for them in the new drawing room. They all sat, and Draco managed to keep things comfortable for all by talking about school and all the changes in their lives. Hermione felt like the storm clouds of her mind had suddenly opened up and a blue sky was now bright and clear in front of her. And if she still had any doubts about the possibility of Narcissa Malfoy accepting her as part of Draco's life, the clarification took her completely by surprise.

"Miss Granger, I hope you are agreeable to the tradition of the Black family of naming our children after constellations. I would very much like it if my grandchildren were to be named after the stars."

Hermione choked on her tea while Draco chided

"_Mother!"_

But the Gryffindor girl recovered quickly and answered

"I was very fond of Sirius and I am still very close to your sister, Andromeda. I think it is a beautiful tradition."

For once, Narcissa's face betrayed her feelings.

"Andromeda?" she choked. "How is my sister? All that she lost. I am so ashamed."

Hermione leaned in and put her hand over the older witch one.

"Andromeda is strong and resilient, and forgiving. Maybe you should try talking to her. I can talk to her for you if you want me to."

Narcissa composed herself and answered

"I would like that very much. Thank you, my dear, this is so magnanimous of you," then she stood up, "Now if you excuse me, I feel a bit tired. Maybe we could put up the Yule tree tomorrow. Draco, please show Miss Granger to your wing of the house. I would like it very much if you two enjoy your evening together and I'll see you both at breakfast."

Hermione was once more lost for words. Did she just got invited to spend the night at Malfoy Manor, in Draco's rooms? Before she could finish the thought Draco stood up and offered his hand

"Miss Granger, may I show you to our quarters?"

She blushed a bit but took the hand and stood next to him, then smirked and whispered in his ear

"Miss Granger? What happened to 'kitten'?"

His grey eyes went dark with lust.

"Wait until we are behind closed doors, then I'll show you, kitten."


End file.
